Nancy Shute. You think it’s romantic. She thinks it’s creepy. Katherine Streeter for NPR hide caption. Dating isn’t easy, and it’s even less so when you’ve got Asperger’s, an autism spectrum disorder that can make it hard to read social cues. Jesse Saperstein knows that all too well. In his new book, ” Getting a Life with Asperger’s: Lessons Learned on the Bumpy Road to Adulthood ,” the year-old tells his fellows on the spectrum that they need to be up front with potential dates that they have Asperger’s. And he says they also need to realize that what feels to them like sincere interest can all too often be perceived as creepiness. This is an edited version of our conversation.
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My brother, Hussein Al-Nasrawi, sits in his bedroom with his MacBook in his lap, clicking away on the keyboard. Hussein has olive skin and lanky arms. As he stares at his computer screen, he never cracks a smile; in fact, he doesn’t smile very much in general. He logs onto the dating site OkCupid and begins answering some questions. Hussein knows everything there is to know about Disney. He can hear a song on the radio and play it note for note on the piano.
He is single, 22 years old, and autistic. Hussein lives in the Bay Area and recently decided to join the more than 40 million people who are plugged into online dating. Online dating can be an easier route for those who have trouble initiating conversation. Garry Burge is 41, lives with his parents in Brisbane, Australia, and was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder in Jeremy Hamburgh is a New York-based dating coach for both neurotypical people and people with disabilities.
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Relationships are all about communication. This adversely affects the important quality of empathy, which is vital to a successful and fulfilling relationship. People involved in relationships with a mindblind partner report feeling invalidated, unsupported, unheard, unknown and uncared for. Many study the words and behavior of NT people around them, and copy it. They learn exactly what they should do and say in a romantic relationship, since none of it comes naturally to them.
No one can keep up an act forever. Be cool, I told myself, roughly ten-thousand times a day. Look normal. Act normal. I showered Kristen with affection and praise, went out of my way to act supportive, and never once voiced a negative thought or feeling. What was not to love about that guy? And it makes me wonder… How many of us are struggling with something that reveals itself in such cruelly deceptive ways? We were not talking the same language and misunderstandings were the rule.
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Nevertheless, autistic adults may need to hurdle far more obstacles than their neurotypical peers to thrive in a world of dating. Some autistic adults go through their entire adult life without having much interest in romance or dating, while others are very interested and actively pursue romantic relationships. If you are interested, this article contains some tips on getting started.
If you are a parent or a friend of an autistic adult, your job is to make sure that the person knows that you are open and available for support. Some people including neurotypical people say that meeting people is the hardest part of dating. Rest assured, there are many other ways to meet someone. The best place to start is to look at what you do each day. Where do you go? How do you get there?
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Does anyone know if there are any “asperger friendly” sites that he could look at? Reply.
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